In this daring new world that we live in today, it is impossible to be a "normal" child. Back when I was growing up, all a kid really had to do was find a way to keep himself entertained and that was usually good enough. My cousins and I would regularly engage in massive games of "will doing THIS break my neck?"(3) and other fine pursuits to pass the time; usually without any dramatic results. Furthermore whenever one of us messed up in one way or another, as kids are prone to do, we would generally receive a stern reprimand and then be on our way.
These days however things are quite different. Every morning you can tune into any one of the morning shows and learn the many different "clues" that point to your child being abnormal. Dr. Oz will tell you with a smile on his face and glint in his eye that your child's juicy juice contains poison and that it is probably too late. Is your kid acting up a little bit in class? Well Dr. Phil seems to think that this might be a case of ADHD, and you know what he's DEFINITELY right.(4) Did little Timmy refuse to do his homework last night? Mr. G the weatherman knows for a fact that this is a conduct disorder and if you don't act on it now, Timmy will grow up to be a bank robber.
What I'm trying to say in this over dramatic way is that it is really hard for a kid to be a kid these days because any mishap that they do can be misconstrued as a sign of a mental disorder by their oh so loving parents. And when a parent thinks like that, their child will inevitably find themselves in a meeting with a child psychiatrist.
The first thing I noticed when Katie walked into the room was her eyes; they were beautiful orbs of jade that looked with unbridled curiosity at Dr. Ryan's office.(5) Katie was 8 years old and was referred to us due to her inability to play well with others; her file indicated that both her parents and her school teachers thought that she might have a disorder on the autistic spectrum and thus needed professional help. In anticipation for her first session, I had read ahead on the various manifestations of autism and expected to see a timid and shy child who refused to meet a stranger's gaze. Yet that was not the little girl I saw before me, here was a child who seemed for all intents and purposes...normal. She played well with me and Dr. Ryan and even beat me a couple of times at Tic Tac Toe.(6)
When Katie's parents came into the room, her actions became muted. Her eyes stopped shining and she stopped playing with the toys all around her; it was a heartbreaking transformation. As we continued to interact with Katie, her parents were first interested but within minutes they had pulled out their smartphones and were clicking away. Picture this scene in your mind if you will: a child in a room full of toys, refusing to play with any of them while her parents sit three feet away refusing to pay any attention to her.(7)
All of a sudden, the reports in Katie's file started to make sense. Based on our interaction with Katie with and without her parent's presence, it was clear that the likelihood of her having a disorder on the autistic spectrum was minimal. Rather, her problem seemed to be her parents. Children are immensely complex and trying to understand them is an impossible task. However it is well understood that they feed off of the emotions of the people around them and react with a far greater degree than adults. Give a child encouragement and they will thrive, make a child scared and they will tremble. But far worse than any of those is indifference for in Katie's case, her parents were completely indifferent to her. They never paid any attention to her and by doing that they severely hindered her social interactions. How can you expect a child to play well with others when she isn't even encouraged to play with her parents at home?
After our assessment was complete we talked to Katie's parents and told them the good news that their daughter did not have a psychiatric diagnosis. While they were thrilled to hear that, they were very unhappy when we informed them that our analysis pointed to them as causing Katie's problems. They accused us of not knowing what we were talking about and flung numerous obscenities at us.
Unbelievable.
What does it say about parents when they would much rather their child have a medical disorder rather than be told that they are bad parents. How do the two even compare to each other? Dr. Ryan was also a bit taken back by the parent's reaction but she informed me that she has seen similar responses numerous times and it is something that child psychiatrists have to be prepared for. There is no clear cut solution, and usually a lot of family therapy is needed before any headway can be made. Thankfully however, kids are resilient and with enough time and guidance, the damage that their parents inflict on them can be reversed. And eventually Katie's parents came around and started their long jourey of family therapy.
The sad truth is that most cases such as this do not end in happy endings. Kids these days are constantly being bombarded with errant diagnosis given by well wishers who would rather look out for the interests of the parents rather than what is best for their child. There are not enough child psychiatrists to go around and sometimes even when they are present, their advice is not taken seriously. Is there a solution? Yes. Instead of listening to Dr. Phil and Oprah tell you whats good and bad for your children, how about just spending some time with them? Drop the parenting books and pick up a copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog.(8)
I understand that being a parent is hard work and that I shouldn't judge so easily but sometimes I can't help myself. Sometimes I think that there should be a test that future parents have to take before they are allowed to have kids. Some people just are not meant to be parents and being in possession of the physical capability to create a child should not be the only qualification.
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1. And when I say writer's block, I mean it. I started writing this post in December, 2011. This post messed with my head so much that I wrote a TON of other things before deciding that it was time to finally finish it. This is long overdue.
2. And I do mean a sucker, little kids trample all over me. I have no defense when it comes to chubby cheeks and big eyes. Ice cream for breakfast? SURE! Another video game? DAMN STRAIGHT! You want my wallet? CAN I ATLEAST HOLD ONTO TO MY LISCENCE??
3. For the record, no. You would think that catapaulting from the second floor onto a mattress at ground level would do it, but nope.
4. ADHD is attention deficiency and hyperactivity disorder and I do know quite a bit of people who believe their child has it based solely on the words of Dr. Phil. I hate that man.
5. Dr. Ryan is a child psychiatrist, one of the best in the world. The short amount of time that I spent with her was as educational as it was fun. It is no coincidence that she is the director of the nation's best child psychiatry program.
6. A child is generally examined alone before her parent's are brought into the room. This allows the psychiatrist to establish a baseline for the childs actions unhindered by parental presense. Afterwards, the parents are brought in to understand the child's behavior around them and thus give a more complete story.
7. We had severeal sessions with Katie and her parents before this pattern became relevant and solidified in our minds. Every single time, her parents showed that they didn't care much for being there.
8. I love that dog.
What I'm trying to say in this over dramatic way is that it is really hard for a kid to be a kid these days because any mishap that they do can be misconstrued as a sign of a mental disorder by their oh so loving parents. And when a parent thinks like that, their child will inevitably find themselves in a meeting with a child psychiatrist.
The first thing I noticed when Katie walked into the room was her eyes; they were beautiful orbs of jade that looked with unbridled curiosity at Dr. Ryan's office.(5) Katie was 8 years old and was referred to us due to her inability to play well with others; her file indicated that both her parents and her school teachers thought that she might have a disorder on the autistic spectrum and thus needed professional help. In anticipation for her first session, I had read ahead on the various manifestations of autism and expected to see a timid and shy child who refused to meet a stranger's gaze. Yet that was not the little girl I saw before me, here was a child who seemed for all intents and purposes...normal. She played well with me and Dr. Ryan and even beat me a couple of times at Tic Tac Toe.(6)
When Katie's parents came into the room, her actions became muted. Her eyes stopped shining and she stopped playing with the toys all around her; it was a heartbreaking transformation. As we continued to interact with Katie, her parents were first interested but within minutes they had pulled out their smartphones and were clicking away. Picture this scene in your mind if you will: a child in a room full of toys, refusing to play with any of them while her parents sit three feet away refusing to pay any attention to her.(7)
All of a sudden, the reports in Katie's file started to make sense. Based on our interaction with Katie with and without her parent's presence, it was clear that the likelihood of her having a disorder on the autistic spectrum was minimal. Rather, her problem seemed to be her parents. Children are immensely complex and trying to understand them is an impossible task. However it is well understood that they feed off of the emotions of the people around them and react with a far greater degree than adults. Give a child encouragement and they will thrive, make a child scared and they will tremble. But far worse than any of those is indifference for in Katie's case, her parents were completely indifferent to her. They never paid any attention to her and by doing that they severely hindered her social interactions. How can you expect a child to play well with others when she isn't even encouraged to play with her parents at home?
After our assessment was complete we talked to Katie's parents and told them the good news that their daughter did not have a psychiatric diagnosis. While they were thrilled to hear that, they were very unhappy when we informed them that our analysis pointed to them as causing Katie's problems. They accused us of not knowing what we were talking about and flung numerous obscenities at us.
Unbelievable.
What does it say about parents when they would much rather their child have a medical disorder rather than be told that they are bad parents. How do the two even compare to each other? Dr. Ryan was also a bit taken back by the parent's reaction but she informed me that she has seen similar responses numerous times and it is something that child psychiatrists have to be prepared for. There is no clear cut solution, and usually a lot of family therapy is needed before any headway can be made. Thankfully however, kids are resilient and with enough time and guidance, the damage that their parents inflict on them can be reversed. And eventually Katie's parents came around and started their long jourey of family therapy.
The sad truth is that most cases such as this do not end in happy endings. Kids these days are constantly being bombarded with errant diagnosis given by well wishers who would rather look out for the interests of the parents rather than what is best for their child. There are not enough child psychiatrists to go around and sometimes even when they are present, their advice is not taken seriously. Is there a solution? Yes. Instead of listening to Dr. Phil and Oprah tell you whats good and bad for your children, how about just spending some time with them? Drop the parenting books and pick up a copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog.(8)
I understand that being a parent is hard work and that I shouldn't judge so easily but sometimes I can't help myself. Sometimes I think that there should be a test that future parents have to take before they are allowed to have kids. Some people just are not meant to be parents and being in possession of the physical capability to create a child should not be the only qualification.
_______________________________________________________-
1. And when I say writer's block, I mean it. I started writing this post in December, 2011. This post messed with my head so much that I wrote a TON of other things before deciding that it was time to finally finish it. This is long overdue.
2. And I do mean a sucker, little kids trample all over me. I have no defense when it comes to chubby cheeks and big eyes. Ice cream for breakfast? SURE! Another video game? DAMN STRAIGHT! You want my wallet? CAN I ATLEAST HOLD ONTO TO MY LISCENCE??
3. For the record, no. You would think that catapaulting from the second floor onto a mattress at ground level would do it, but nope.
4. ADHD is attention deficiency and hyperactivity disorder and I do know quite a bit of people who believe their child has it based solely on the words of Dr. Phil. I hate that man.
5. Dr. Ryan is a child psychiatrist, one of the best in the world. The short amount of time that I spent with her was as educational as it was fun. It is no coincidence that she is the director of the nation's best child psychiatry program.
6. A child is generally examined alone before her parent's are brought into the room. This allows the psychiatrist to establish a baseline for the childs actions unhindered by parental presense. Afterwards, the parents are brought in to understand the child's behavior around them and thus give a more complete story.
7. We had severeal sessions with Katie and her parents before this pattern became relevant and solidified in our minds. Every single time, her parents showed that they didn't care much for being there.
8. I love that dog.
Excellent post! Handheld technology and constant access to work and communication is severly hindering face to face intreactions and development of relationships. After college I worked for several years as a dorm parent at an arts boarding school (high school) and the attitudes and behaviors displayed by some of the parents towards their kids (who they already saw on a very limited basis since the kids were away at school) were absolutely horrifying. Sometimes it was like, "this is your child, pretend/act like you care, folks."
ReplyDeleteAs I tell my own boyfriend, I'm can't and I won't compete for attention with your iPhone, so don't make me. Am I old fashioned? No, just human.
Thanks for the comment Hilary! Its really hard and extremely unfair to judge a parent based on the limited interactions that we get but sometimes you see enough to know that something is definitely not right. I completely get where you're coming from because I've felt that way numerous times, and it still sucks every time I see it.
DeleteAs for the technology immersion....sounds like something worth writing about. Stay tuned. :)
Hi Zeeshan,
ReplyDeleteI'm formally diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, although I (unfortunately) have read and heard about a lot of parents who "WANT" to diagnose their child with an ASD even though they barely pass the criteria. Anecdotally, this is so if their child misbehaves, they can just "blame it on ASD", or also to be eligible for extra funding at primary school.
It's an extremely touchy area, coz genuine ASDs are getting diagnosed much earlier these days, and IMHO it requires a very astute Paediatrician or Psychiatrist to identify the various factors that may lead to the child behaving that way, whether it be genetic and/or environmental.
I think the DSM-5 Criteria for ASD has made it somewhat harder for the "Pushy Parents" to squeeze an ASD diagnosis out of their child with residual/contextual traits, but still enable most of the children who genuinely have it to obtain the ASD diagnosis (barring several Asperger cases).
Anyway a really good doctor should be able to split amongst the bona-fide cases, and the cases of child-neglect or mere naughtiness.
I'm really hoping for reliable Diagnostic ASD Genetic Testing / Neuroimaging techniques to be available in future, so the delineation can be created far more efficiently.